Close the door

            I apologize in advance for what I’m sure will be a very all over the place blog, I just seem to be very scatter-brained lately. I have so much on my mind but I can’t seem to sit down and focus on a single thought, so I continuously open doors to new problems while never dealing with the old.

            My grandpa died on Sunday. The funeral is tomorrow. I’m a pallbearer. He lived a very full 80 years and left behind many loved ones and memories. I feel terrible for my mom. As hard as it is to lose someone yourself, it way more agonizing to watch someone you love deal with grief, knowing all you have to offer, words and embraces, will never truly be enough to relinquish the darkness binding their heart. But we do anyways. We say things that sound clichéd, hoping some look in our eye or inflection in our voice will show we mean so much more than those measly letters and sounds could ever convey. No dictionary has the room to capture the sympathy and sorrow that we so desperately wish to express.

            I’ve been in a funk for a weak or two now. A big part of it has to do with what I just wrote about, but even before all this happened, something has been gnawing at me for sometime. Yet, once again, I’m not even sure what it is. I feel… lackluster.

            All my life people have been telling me I’m smart, funny, creative,  etc. and while these are all wonderful things to hear, I think it may have ruined me. Now, anytime I’m in a social gathering and people aren’t laughing, I feel like I’m not doing my job. That, somehow, I’m failing at being me. And that’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s true.

I’m not sure I could ever be happy in a normal job now. For so long I’ve had my eyes set on things so high (rock star, writer, comedian, filmmaker) that anything less would feel like I failed, even though that is far from the truth.

Well, like I said, I can’t seem to finish a thought lately, so, like I feel my blog must end the same way.

Until next time.